I'm so sorry. It does sound like you are still trying to get well and really don't want to end it. I told my pdoc that thinking about ending it and how I'm going to do it brings me comfort in a weird, sick way. She said that was not unusual at all. She said a lot of people with MI use the thought to self soothe. Like, an exit button if things get to be too much. In a way that made me feel better and took away the fear and shame that I always automatically go to that thought, etc. My son says to me, that he's so proud of me that I haven't given in to all of this. That I'm still fighting and trying to find the right med combos, etc. DON'T GIVE UP! Hugs!!!