Hey guys... Sorry I chose to not post this in the gender issues forum, because if I do I'll only get people telling me that I'm transgender and that I should transition bla bla bla.

Thing is, I don't want to transition, because that's not what I wanna be. I don't want to be a small man with a vagina... Sorry if it offends anyone but that's how I feel. If every woman who feels the same as me decided to inject testosterone, nearly the entire planet would be male.

But I still can't accept the fact that I'm a woman... And it got even worse after I tried to pass as male, which I did, and now I feel like I won't ever be able to go back.

All my childhood I've been treated like a boy pretty much, until I started having boobs. I didn't have any issues being one of the boys, nobody cared, we were all the same back then. I could dress and act the way I wanted, nobody gave a ****. I've always been around boys and socialized like them. I have been raised by a single mother who always told me to "man up", that crying were for girls and stuff like that. She just wanted to make me strong, which she did but it also convinced me that being a girl was bad as a kid. I really thought I would grow up to be a man, I always saw myself that way.

But then puberty came, I didn't even notice the physical changes at the time. It was the social aspect that really hit me hard, suddenly the guys I had been friend with wanted to date me, it ****ed up our friendship. I was suddenly always treated like a weak and soft little thing, every time I wanted to do dangerous things with the boys they'd tell me I shouldn't. So I would do all kinds of crazy stuff so they would respect me, which they did, but I was still labeled as the "strong chick".

Now that I'm more grown up and outta school, I'm just considered as a butch lesbian who failed every aspect of her life. I feel like I will never be able to fit in anywhere, I can't stand being friend with guys now because I'm always seen as the girl of the group you know, the little thing that everyone's gotta protect. When I'm in a group of girls, I feel like I'm in another country literally, to me it's like they were speaking a different language, or I simply end up having a crush on one of them... Which sucks.

I feel like a guy who simply got left out because he grew two breasts instead of a beard. I'm starting to hate life, myself, and the world in general. I feel like I will never be able to become who I wanna be... I'm never taken seriously for anything. I tried being an "attractive woman", by taking care of myself and my hair, thinking I'd maybe like it. But the only thing people could tell me was "you're so pretty", I'd never be seen as strong or simply capable of anything.

I don't know what to do anymore, I try to ignore it but everything I like or watch involves men and it makes me want to punch the walls. I'm so mad for not having what they have, I feel like I will never be enough.

I'm really seeking for help here... Because if I really can't get over it, I guess transition will be my only option...

Thank you to those of you who read this ^^