Sounds like you are having a really hard time scarlet, I am very sorry to hear that you are contemplating living/dying. Sounds like life is beautiful and bloody hard for you at the moment. Does it have to be one or the other or can it be both? There are some really awful days where everyone questions why they are living and on these days I tell myself that yes today SUCKS but tomorrow could be better. This doesn't work a lot of the time but that little smidgen of hope really gets me through. I wait till the next day before making a life changing decision. Telling myself life is ok I have nothing to complain about never helps it makes me feel worse but being kind and compassionate and telling myself that yes, I am sad today, yes life sucks right now and there is a possibility that it won't get better but I have to hope things will get better. I deserve better and as long as I believe that and also life sucks sometimes I can get past my negative thinking cycles.
It sounds like there is a lot of good in your life but also a lot of tough days. What has kept you going for this long?
I always think of VIctor Frankls book "mans search for meaning" and I think if he can survive that he'll on earth with little hope I can get through one more day of this by supporting myself.

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