thanks, i know im not suposed to feel bad about posting.. especially on a psych forum, but sometimes i just really do..
for ever in my life i have been ashamed of some problems... and i wouldn't talk about them because when i tried to i would be told heinous things... just because i was trying to be open and honest, since im a very honest person and very sensitive... maybe the things people said to me back then werent supposed to effect me, but it effected me on a deep level... things like just disregarding what im saying... being 4 or 8 and talking about depressive symptoms someone should do something, an adult should help, but i had no one because everyone in my family is... well you know... no one could help if they wanted to because they needed help themselves...
so ending up dissociating all of that and going to foster care at 8 or 9 i had to try to adjust, what am i doing here? i can only imagine myself asking...
i have no clue, i dont remember any of that either... returning to the same thing when i was 10 or 11 or someting back at home i became ... really disturbed... shake me up a bunch of times why dont you?
hey nothigns wrong with you, snap out of it! we're taking you away from your parents, you will be with a nice family, no these are not your family, your father wants you back, you are going home... what... so im home, rage... rage is here... rage not want to put up with anything... LEAVE ME ALONE!!! NO IM NOT GOING TO SCHOOL... fight to blood with everyone... brothers we almost kill each other every day... very bad violence from all of us now... i have no control...
i wake up one day, This has got to stop.. i make it an end, no more fighting, im not fighting with you people anymore... Isolation, huh? yeah im fine, ill eat later...
years later after becoming alcoholic, abused drugs, started smoking stupid cigerets...
im sitting here, what happened to me.. not having a time line sucks..
i read an article about it some time ago, i think.. lemme see if i still have it.. 'Without a life story, a child is adrift, disconnected and vulnerable' - Dr Bruce Perry on the value and power of the Life Story approach - JKP Blog

urgh, got distracted.. have alot going on out here :/
gotta give them attention so i dont seem too ... off...
its difficult though because i would like to be alone mostly but i have to
talk with people here and everyone is having problems
i end up being like everyones shoulder, which is ok, but i dont have a shoulder myself ya know

so its late and some hours have passed since i wrote this earlier part and im not even sure what i was writing about, but im just gonna go to sleep... got a bunch more stuff to have to do tomorow...
i just wish my family could try to use their noggins a little, if people would just think a little then they wouldnt have such big problems with little things... but its ok.. i just keep telling them im not a professional and i cant be giving advice like that, keep encouraging to get profesional help, sucks :/

but... i guess its mainly that im ashamed of posting things about my problems, i have never been able to talk about my problems because i always have to worry about everyone else, so im not allowed to have problems.. but i have probably more problems than all ov them put together... i dunno if thats right or not ..? but i try really hard.. i just dont want to get depressed, i dont like those feelings... dont want angery to happen, i cant stop those things when it happens and i cant help anyone when it happens

therapist says that its not my responsibility, it never was, i was just a little kid back then and im still the child/son now... but now im older and i just feel more obligated, so its just all messed up :| people are not cool or understanding sometimes

appreciate you guys... if my brain is working better tomorow and i can get away ill try to figure out what i was writing earlier and finish it...