you sound like an awesome person

you definitely are keeping yourself busy, i dont do that much in 10 years much less weekly or monthly

it is good to stay busy and try to utilize distractions... you seem really intelligent

but i do feel like i notice a couple patterns in your posting...
sort of black and white thinking.. all or nothing thinking... catastrophizing... and rumination seems to be really huge factor for you ..

on a positive note you do sound intelligent and you do sound motivated to try things to help you feel better, which is wonderful and shows how strong you are

i think that we can distract ourselves with as many activities as we can and keep our selves so busy that we even forget to blink .. but its not going to be as helpful if we ruminate over specific things constantly... its like trying to start a fire in the pouring rain, we have to build a sort of roof or something to keep the wood dry and maybe build a little pit to block some of the wind, which is akin to controlling the rumination and hopefully getting rid of it all together at some point...
rumination will keep us sliding back into the hole of depression over and over no matter what we do... and suicide is definitely not the answer because you are an awesome person and the world needs people like you who are motivated and courteous..

you said that the girl were: beautiful, adventurous, happy, loved, energetic, interesting, curious, capable, sociable, sporty, young, and brave,
and that you are:
and I'm her opposite in everything. I'm so inferior.

beauty is most definitely "in the eye of the beholder", there are most definitely people in the world that will find you most attractive for the qualities you have.. i read a study years ago that was studying to see what women were attracted to... and if i remember correctly the results showed that women weren't as concerned AS MUCH with outer looks as much as they were with inner qualities... i think most women want a dedicated person that they can rely on and trust, someone that clicks with their personality on the inside rather than being a foolish 'hotty' that is disrespectful .. but i am not very experienced with women either, i've been single for ever and have never really had someone i could truly connect with... but it doesnt mean that there is not one out there! it just means that im looking and waiting for the RIGHT one that i can connect with and spend the rest of days with, rather than a quickie ya know - and i've become ok with that.. its not so much fun but im sure it will be worth it since i dont want anymore emotional abuse from someone thats supposed to care for me

on a different note, to me you DO sound energetic, doing all of these activities..
you DO sound adventurous... climbing a mountain? you wouldn't catch me climbing a hill! im terrified of heights!
you DO sound capable, sporty, AND BRAVE!!
you DO seem very interesting to me, with all these various skills that you have, thats awesome

you definitely are not her opposite, but just maybe the world has another plan for you to meet someone, you are definitely not inferior... you are amazing

depression sucks and it is a terrible liar, it will tell us all kind of nasty things about ourselves and we will believe them... but we have to learn that these thoughts are lies and they are not true, its the depression trying to pull a veil over our eyes, to hide the light and truth from us.. to bring us down and ultimately take it all from us... but we mustn't let it win and we must prevail! to the victor goes the spoils, and we shall be victorious!
you can only lose by giving up, so dont give up and you will be a winner, conquering all of your dreams

read a little about rumination and see how it coincides with you, if thats what you have a problem with... check out the all or nothing thinking and catastrophizing, i fight with these same things myself and i know how challenging it is but with dedication and hard work we can change our thoughts, our perceptions, and we can make things better, but only through doing the work... medications can help us along the journey, but they are not the ultimate answer... the answer comes from within, and we have to unlock it so that we can see the truths and let ourselves be free, escaping depression...

i found 2 articles that may be of a little help if you would like to read them, i hope that you stay strong and stay in motion
Overcoming Depression and Ruminative Thinking - Depression Center - Everyday Health
https://www.psychologytoday.com/arti...ing-depression

we all want you be ok and happy