I'm so so so tired of this situation.
I sometimes feel as if I could overcome this constant fear. Try to give positive messages to me and others. This is the most ironic. I sometimes let myself give others advices, when I myself never felt a whole person. The only thing I can say in my defense is that there is a possibility that these people are stronger than me and love themselves a little more.

Today, I told my partner that he doesn't have a good future with me. I feel responsible for not making him see clear what my problems are. It was a different time. I was younger and I was at the beginning of my treatment with psychiatrists and psychologists. I was so hopeful that I could improve. But, now I see clear that my improvement is so slight that it's not fair that he has to cope with this. He deserves a better life and a person who can make him happy. I'm not the one.
He left his country, his family and his friends to be with me. All this with nothing in return. I wasn't even able to give him a kid. He is that kind of person who needs to share with others. And I am each day more convinced that I can't be with other people and have a normal contact.
Last week, he introduced me a couple, husband and wife. They seemed to me pretty nice and I felt comfortable in the brief time we were together.
My partner told me that it was a great idea to share with them a day in the lake. First, it seemed to me a marvellous idea but in short, my fear came to my mind and I asked him for not making the appointment.

It's a constant fear to be unable to be a normal person with others. A fear to disappoint others. A fear to say something inappropiate but at the same time, a fear to not being able to say anything.

I'm sorry for the long post.