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LovelyChantel · 12:49 PM

Trigger for graphic depictions of abuse

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Religious/Cult Abuse

I grew up in a devout (borderline fundamentalist) Christian family and was told that it was the ONLY way and that any other way leads to h*ll. Even other Christians, if they don't do things the 'right way',
can go to h*ll. I was threatened, when convenient, with losing my salvation. I would ask innocent childish questions out of curiosity and a yearning to make sense of the world around me and would be told ,"You're treading on dangerous ground." If I didn't do something they wanted me to do or somehow questioned their authority or belief system I would be told I would go to h*ll. But at the same time was taught that G*d is love and tolerance etc. So I was very confused as a child.

I wasn't taught to think for myself and developed no critical thinking skills. My capacity for my own spirituality has been severely hindered as a result of this upbringing due to my innate and ingrained fear of h*ll and burning alive forever. There was also a lot of focus on doom and destruction and the end of the world and demonic influence and oppression.

Possible trigger:

They had a prophet come to one of the many churches we went to and pray over me and pray The Sp*rit into me. I then fell on the ground and started shaking and they told me it was due to d*mons and angels and spiritual warfare and that I was under attack.

The weird thing is, I don't remember the in-between part of this 'ceremony/ritual'. I remember them all laying hands on me and

Possible trigger:

speaking in tongues/chanting/singing and then I remember feeling 'fuzzy' and like I was floating (much like I do when I dissociate as I have dissociative issues from my traumas) and then all the sudden I remember waking up on the floor of the church. And other people were laying all over and looked like they were having seizures and people were chanting/speaking in tongues. This happened in all the churches I went to and I remember as a little girl (3 maybe) having to kneel before the altar and ask forgiveness lest I b*rn and all around me people were laying prostrate on the ground - some were sobbing, some were writhing, some were laughing, some speaking in different languages I'd never heard, etc.

And the intense fear I now struggle with is something that sometimes feels near impossible to work on without feeling guilty like I am going to be smitten somehow and cast into the f*res...

Also, Abuse was justified as "How G*d intended it" and bible verses were spouted to explain away beltings/beatings and other abuses etc.

So, I feel like I honestly had no choice in my choosing of faith because I was indoctrinated in it from birth and was scared of burning alive forever. I feel like my decision was made out of fear, brainwashing, and indoctrination - not out of genuine faith or belief. But for most of my life, I was a devout Christian because I literally knew no other way. And was thus threatened with h*ll any time I even entertained the idea that there might be another way.

It also needs to be said that I was isolated from other 'outsiders' as much as possible growing up and went to a private Christian school from grades K-12th. That school was very abusive. They employed methods of control and manipulation that are common in cults: deceit, trickery, double-binds, coercion, terror, degrading and humiliating acts, physical abuse, severe psychological abuse, sexual inappropriateness, forced confinement of a minor for consecutive days as punishment, spiritual recovery/ceremonies of minors, all in the name of religion and deemed "What God wants", the list goes on. The psychological and emotional abuse at that school was horrendous. There was physical abuse that I witnessed happen to another child when I was in 3rd grade.

Possible trigger:

I caused it to happen to her for telling on her for something she did and the teacher pinched her cheeks into her teeth really hard and made her cry. I felt bad for saying anything.

In 1st and 2nd grade one teacher would hit our fingers with a ruler really hard and would scream at us and tell us how stupid we were. She also had us pick the stuff out of her hair and if we did we got a treat and if we refused to we didn't get a treat.

In 3rd grade I always

Possible trigger:

had to hold my pee/poo because my teacher's husband always was in the class with her as he came to school with her. He would watch me all day during class and I couldn't concentrate on my studies and looking back now I see how he was undressing me with his eyes. The reason I didn't want to use the bathroom was because he would always accompany me to the toilets but I don't think he did anything. So I just started holding it because he made me feel so scared and unnerved.

I was touched inappropriately by a coach who would

Possible trigger:

pinch and rub my bottom and wink at me quite often mostly when we were alone but also during basketball practice when I was in 5th grade and 6th grade. Then I was touched by a man who was at least 19 or so, maybe older when I was 11. He caressed my inner thigh right next to my v*gina and looked at me with a disgusting sleazy smile and a look that said, "Don't say a word." The secretary was literally sitting right next to us but she didn't see anything that I know of. He wasn't even a student at the school. He just would hang out with the kids for some reason. He used to tell me dirty things and ask me about giving him bl*w jobs and if I would spit or swallow. I told him, "Swallow" because I didn't know what he was even talking about. He would laugh and then have his friends (other male students) come over and start asking me dirty questions as well and I feel stupid now looking back because I was so naive and stupid. They told me that I was so ugly no one would even want to r*pe me. They were wrong unfortunately.

For punishment at that school I was

Possible trigger:

shut inside of a very small closet for 3 days and not allowed to interact with others. As a minor, I was screamed at, their face within inches of my own, and told I was vile, scum, and that I was unlovable and corrupting the other children.

(I do admit, I had some behavioral issues, but they never thought to ask why. Perhaps because of how I was being treated). There were a lot of other mind f***s. There was deceit/trickery/cover-ups, and conspiracies that were covered up by the school board. I was the scapegoat used for them to get away with these things. I can't get into all the things they did but I didn't name them all. I was betrayed in a huge way there at that school. I was used and it was covered up and swept under the rug.

I endured countless physical and mental t*rtures and r*pes because I thought it was my duty as a Christian woman to please a man. I won't go into this as it was sadistic and very shameful and revolting.

One of the teachers made me go to the front of the classroom and stand in front of the students. He said, "Look at this girl. Everyone look at her. She is bad and will lead you to hell. No one be her friend. No one talk to her. No one be nice to her. She will lead you down bad paths." Etc etc. When I started crying he laughed at me. Then I got so angry I said a bad word at him. I of course got sent to the principals office. I tried to tell her what he'd done to be but she said I was a liar and plus I deserved it as I was vile scum and causing the students to fall astray.

TW for mentions of abuse involving water.. So confused...
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First off... Does this belong in RA category? Not sure. This specific abuse has nothing to do with religion but it seemed ritualized cuz it was systematic and happened so often more times than I can remember and it sometimes preceded other abuses.

Confused... Didn't think this is that bad but was it? Was it not nice? They really were trying to wake me up. I was a hard sleeper.

To wake me up my parents would pour cold water

Possible trigger:

on my chest/nipple area (sometimes) and always on my face and neck thus making me think I was drowning.

I don't think it was their intention (to terrify me) but it was such a scary way to wake up... I remember that when I would be in a deep sleep that waking up to the feeling of water going in my nose and mouth and running in my ears made me feel like I was drowning and if I got upset they would laugh at me and just smile or would scream at me to get out of bed or just acted confused about why I was upset like they were trying to make me doubt it all like I was crazy or something... Their reactions were confusing to me... I always thought this was how all parents woke their kids up... And also, a lot of times they did this because I was a heavy sleeper so they would apparently tell me multiple times to get up but I would never remember it or would reply but would instantly fall right back to sleep... So I guess they "gave me a chance" so that makes it my fault.. I was a bad girl.

My dad also used to

Possible trigger:

rip open the shower curtain while I was showering and dump big pichter-fulls of cold water all over my body. I hated it because it was very cold but I also hated it because I was naked and made me feel so ashamed and embarrassed cuz I didn't want my dad to see me naked... But he thought it was funny I guess, making me uncomfortable.

The thing is he did this at random times so I never knew when to expect it so I essentially had to be always on guard and when I would hear the bathroom door open my heart would race but sometimes I wouldn't hear it open and would be taken by complete surprise. I would scream bloody murder of course and he would just laugh...

Why did they like to use water so much? Cold.... :'( Gives bad heachaes from cold :'( Scaree

If you were able to read this all I applaud and thank you.