I am venting. I don't talk about this all to anybody else. I feel like I am documenting for my sanity's sake. I welcome any comments and new eyes on it. I wonder if I am just an exhibitionist for even posting all my dirty laundry here. I have been very emotionally ill for many, many years over only these very few specific things within this relationship and also sometimes very upset about my distorted, abusive mother (but I can handle her).

I have been driven crazy and suicidal. Blame myself? Blame my husband? Blame Canada? Lol. IDK