NoIdeaWhatToDo - exactly.

I felt it was my job growing up to reflect well on my parents and grandparents and my religion, so I tried to look perfect. Now it's so ingrained that I can't turn it off even when I'm super depressed. I have people tell me all the time, "But you look fine." "You're always smiling when I see you." It's not intentional. I couldn't make myself look ultra depressed even if I wanted to.

It means providers don't believe me. Some people around me probably think I'm making it up. My friends are mostly confused about it because they never, ever see the dark parts. Even my family doesn't see it.

Though, I purposely keep a lot of the suffering inside because I feel like I'm already suffering enough; I don't want to put any more suffering on people around me by telling them how badly I'm doing.