I'm really sorry you're going through this. You can't control what happened to you and it's not your fault. It can be awful when exes scorn you to the point that you have a low quality of life. You're a mother and you should absolutely be respected by both your parents AND children. Especially your children. You have a lot of self control to not hit your father back! You're very strong for staying in this situation, I can't imagine how you feel.