I know I haven't been here in a while, and it may be selfish coming back here just to suit my own needs, but I gotta say something where I know other people who understand will read.

I'm really scared right now. I don't know how else to describe it, I feel like cutting so badly. I shouldn't, I've gone...geez, I haven't counted in so long...atleast a year and 1/2 without it. I've gone through depression and thwarted the urge, good times, bad times, anytime and I've gotten it to go away. But it hasn't been this overwhelming in so long. I'm so scared, I didn't know it had this sick power over me. A year and 1/2 without it, and I'm feeling like I could have done it yesterday. Like the urge is there cause I've fed it recently, and I haven't. This is horrible. I can't shake it. I find myself just blatantly fantasizing about it. I was cleaning my bathroom earlier and grabbed a pair of mini-scissors to put them away and I felt this like, rush of complete excitment and fear jolt through me, as though I had sincerely contemplated it. Like I tricked my mind into thinking it was going to happen.

Is this not disgusting? What the hell?? This isn't alcohol or drugs here - but it feels like it's stronger than the best kind out there. It feels like an addiction. A year and a half and I still think about it, I still get this way. What is that about? It's so hard to explain, people who don't do this (SI) just don't get it. %#@&#!, even I don't get it. How do you explain something you don't even get yourself? Psychologists can barely explain it themselves - and they are the experts.

I don't know, writing truly helps, so thanks for this. I can promise you all I'm going to try my best. I don't want to cut, I know what that brings, where it will take me, but it's so god damn tempting. Everything could be better, it's just that simple. But I'll try to think ahead - how I'll feel tomorrow, how i'll be forced to hide it...I hope it outweighs the pain im in right now.