My first day during my internship wasn’t too bad, but the second day sucked big time. My project officer treats me like I don’t exist. Sure, she’s nice, but the way she talks to me. So rude. Only a few colleagues are nice. The rest of them are Chinese people and the other Indians plus the mean project officer … makes me feel left out. The way they look at me and judge me all the time. Being invited to a gathering at the other faculty made me feel worse. I felt intimidated by all the people there, talking, networking, people who knew what they were doing and felt at ease. I wanted to drink all the beer and get drunk and shout obscenities.

They talked to each other about the experiments like it was nothing, and then the next minute they can joke and gossip about anything, and I am outside their tribe. The awkward newbie intern who is probably not going to have a bright future, considering how little she knows about lab work and how she does her research. I read 3 articles and I couldn’t understand a thing. I read the protocols and couldn’t understand a thing. Okay, maybe I could understand a few things. But the literature review, my God. It was harrowing just sitting there in the office and doing reading. I don’t know what am I supposed to do. I even feel self-conscious about my laptop making dying whale sounds and even going out of the door, because I’d need an access card to get in, and I’d have to knock the door and someone would have to let me in, most probably one of the other colleagues who looks as if my inferior self I shouldn’t exist.

I am so stressed. I almost burst into tears at the internship table. Thank goodness for the weekend. I really hope I can start my project soon, because I'm still not issued a work pass yet due to some delays at the ministry. It's been a week of delay now.

I'm lonely, i miss my home overseas, I'm tired, i miss my friends, i miss my family, my work pass is still being delayed, I'm confused, I'm upset, I'm worried i can't finish my project in time due to the delay, i'm worried I'll be a burden in the lab and get kicked out because i'm just so out of place. This overseas internship had me re-thinking about life and how I never wanted to be in my course in the first place. It's too painful and scary. Please, I need help on how to cope with this anxiety and do my best and motivate myself.