I applied a few weeks ago. I applied for snap and medicaid this week. I stopped working about three weeks ago. That was after being back a couple weeks after being off a month after a bad crash. I was sick for at least a month before the crash, but I didn't know it and no one would have been able to convince me and those that tried I laughed or yelled at.

I am still cycling but not working is helping me. There is a lot of stress from applying for insurance benefits. I want it to be over and done. I know that is impossible though. A couple of days ago I felt relief and that finally I can start getting better now. I felt confident things were going to get better and I'd be OK.

Today I am worrying I won't get approved and then I am ****ed. I long ago used up all my savings. And that is only the financial aspect. I am terrified of getting sick-sick again, this time was really really bad, and the one before was worse than the previous ones. Removing work and not having that stimuli is the best thing I can do. And then focus on sleep, exercise, relaxation skills, etc to help me heal.

But this worry about benefits is kind of maddening some days, and today is one of them. It really affects me socially. I don't want to talk about this with friends, I think we all want to kind of sweep it under the rug. We all know I'm not well but I'm so close with some of my friends that we are family so in that sense, everything is always OK with family and unconditional acceptance. I don't know, I'm just a lot more stressed today and like I said, if I don't get benefits I don't know what I'll do.

I miss my old life. I was bringing in over 4k a month, having a blast, lots of money in the bank. Now I can't hold a job and I make the best of my life but it's all kind of a maddening struggle even on good days even though mostly I cope well and am kind to myself. It's a big struggle. If anyone can relate to some of this I'd love to hear that I'm not alone.

Thanks,