Hello cryingontheinside: I'm sorry you are struggling. There is a saying that goes: "No matter how far you've travelled down the wrong road... TURN BACK!" Realistically, I doubt there's any suggestions I could offer that you're not already well aware of. In some way you are going to have to find the inner strength to reach out, in real life, for the help you need. I send warm hugs your way with the hope that it might be so...