I finally get it that "chasing after", "obsessing about", people, especially Ts, isn't healthy or healing for me. I have to stop, and I'm motivated to stop. But I'm still confused about why I have done it my whole life. I thought people want what was missing. My mother loved me so why do I continuously want love from T's? It seems like I go over and over this without understanding the answer, and wondering if there IS any answer. I feel like I'm trying to make my parents fit into a keyhole that doesn't fit!

I am going to discuss this again with my T, of course. She thinks the cause is my being a preemie. I wonder how that could have caused my wanting to attach to and obsess about all of these people in my life. What I always thought was that the fantasy was that life would be better with the person I was thinking about. Or fantasizing about a romantic relationship when I didn't have one.

I'm grieving because I'm giving up the fantasy but I want to know what the fantasy was and why it is so hard to give up. What did I gain and lose from it? It's confusing to me. These aren't new questions but I'm in a different place and looking at them again. Does this make sense?