I was only mentioning it because over the past year you have talked about going in patient but I could not tell if you ever did go?
You somehow were able to avoid going in the past what has changed? How did you cope in the past? Did meds help you then?
When do you see your therapist? Do you still see/have a pdoc?
How long have you been off meds?
Just trying to suggest that you make a call to your pdoc.

bizi