Maybe it is because you had your "fantasies" so long and never really build satisfying relationships in real life? Because nobody will ever fullfill your fantasy critizeria. And unconsciously... you fed this over the years.

I think I get what you mean Rainbow. I have a very loving and caring mother yet I still feel strong maternal transference towards my T. I am beginning to understand that while my mother loves me I often feel (and have done for a long time) that she doesn't really understand me and consequently is unable to meet a lot of my emotional needs. I often feel judged by my mother and often feel as though I need to hide how I feel to protect her. I don't feel either of those things with my T and that makes me wish T was my mum.

Despite understanding this, I still don't think it is a "good enough" reason for my issues. Maybe that is what is happening for you? As in logically you can kind of see what's happening but it doesn't feel justified maybe? I don't know, just a thought.

Have you been diagnosed with OCD or was it suggested to you that you might have traits of it.

Obsessing over people might be due to that.

I really have hard time with linking it to being a premature baby. So many people are born premature so I just don't see how they all obsess about other people their whole life. Is there any valid research on that?

There is ROCD- relationship OCD. I have had a few obsessions over unrequited love interests and have spent a lot of time trying to figure it out and understand why. The interesting conclusion I came to is if they had returned my affection, I probably would have stopped feeling such pure infatuation and started to see their flaws and decide they weren't right for me and lost interest! It might have to do with the black/white thinking of BPD (which i have traits). I think of them, I obsess about them, but I attribute qualities to them that I imagine they have when I have no idea what they are really like and I understand this.

You haven't mentioned your father.

I have classic unavailable daddy issues. I have a loving, but non touching, emotionally abusive mother who is narcissistic.

I also feel that I fixated on these fantasy objects because my needs were not getting met IRL. I am not able to truly connect with my h because he is not able to connect with me. We are having an intimacy issue. I even told him about the fantasies. I don't know how much of all this is me and how much is him, but I feel that if we could be happy, i wouldn't resort to imaginary friends.

If you google "psychological effects of trauma in infancy" there is lots of research on how trauma can cause all sorts of post-traumatic effects and problems with attachment.

Weren't you in an incubator for months as a newborn, rainbow? At a time when doctors knew nothing of the importance of bonding and attachment? I suspect that plays a big role.

Rainbow8, I can relate to this a lot. Almost as far back as I can remember I have obsessed about people in a position of authority who were always unavailable to me as the parent figures I wanted them to be. Ts are just the latest in a long line. I have so many interpretations as to why I do this when I always had a mother that loved me, I guess the truth is I'll perhaps never really know. However, some things that other posters have said jump out at me personally: lack of object constancy, fantasizing about ideal relationships (my escape from reality) and a mother's love not being about the child. I also wonder if for me there could be a theme of obsessing over unavailable people. Maybe my mother was emotionally unavailable. Maybe however painful this obsessing and fantasizing is, it is not as frightening as actually meeting my emotional needs in real life. Who knows?

I can completely understand feeling that the obsessing isn't justified when you had a mother that loved you though. I feel the same but for me it's because I feel terribly guilty and ashamed for these obsessive attachments. It seems as if I'm ungrateful and greedy. Most of all, I hate living with this day to day. There is always this need to obsess over someone and it never goes away. When one person exits, I find another.

I really hope you can get to the bottom of this with your T and find some peace of mind.

I could be the poster child for girl with daddy issues. I don't really like that term though. Anyway I was thinking about it and it seems that fantasies are a whole lot safer than when they become a reality. In a fantasy you are the one in control. When it becomes a reality there are other people in the mix and **** gets unpredictable. I also obsess A LOT. I know how annoying it feels. Maybe there is an Ocd component to it. Or maybe it's just the way you're wired. In any case, it might not even matter who and why. Maybe the issue that could be focused on is coping with it and trying to alleviate yourself from the obsessive pattern

I was going to say the same as JunkDNA. Sometimes we just can't know exactly why something is as it is. Sometimes we just don't have the memories or the information to know. We are so very complicated and it could originate in a number of experiences.
What is important is learning to accept these feelings and rather than trying to change them, to manage it in a healthy way. Working to find ways to soothe these very young feelings with self compassion and patience.

This is just my opinion, but I often think that the power of our parents / relationship with parents gets a little over-hyped in psychotherapy, as though they are the only source of our behavioral patterns. I don't mean to devalue the importance of whtever happened (or did not happen) with our parents in critical periods of development, and it's supported by ample scientific evidence also. What I mean is that we are also influenced by a myriad of other factors, people and relationships in our lives, both as children and as adults. Like Echos mentioned, it is very complicated.

I also have strong obsessive tendencies and I often think that wanting to know the answer to everything, figuring out how everything works is one of the most prominent of these obsessions. I sometimes pride myself on thinking of this so called "seeker mentality" as a positive feature, but all the searches can equally be just other manifestations of the obsessional tendencies. So I am trying to consciously stop myself and needless to say, it is rarely comfortable. Asking all the "why" questions and getting answers is often a good thing but just like everything, it can also turn negative when done in excess.

I have a tendency for obsessive interactions with people who piqued my interest and it did start in childhood/adolescence but I don't think primarily in relation to my parents, more other kids and people. In the first 10 years of my life I was frequently bullied by other kids and so felt like being an outcast in my social environment most of the time, except with some adults (e.g. my father and some of his friends, some teachers etc) mostly, but even with the adults it was very selective. As a result, I developed a strong tendency to look for individuals that I feel are similar to me, and then get obsessive. For me the "similarity" factor also often meant similarity in relational style, including this interpersonal intensity but just as much a very strong desire for independence and often withdrawing. Needless to say how this combo has created a dual drive of polar opposite forces, which often got reinforced throughout my life due to encounters with similar people, or even just perceived (imagined) similarities. In other words, a strong transference pattern, which in my case I think was reinforced by relationships with other people who had their own push/pull ambivalent style. The desires rarely remained unrequited, much more characterized by intense fluctuations on each side. Of course all this comes back boldly in my therapy relationships, even with current T who is trying really hard to remain even and consistent, but is undeniably affected by it (we discussed it in the last couple sessions).

So what is the solution to all this? I honestly don't know but I believe more and more what others also pointed out on this thread, that it is just something I carry and it will be much more constructive for me to really learn to accept it instead of the intense waves of confusion and shame I often experience due to the ambivalence.