Ok well T called me back yesterday and he was really worried about my SI-- so he asked me to contract w/ him(we do that sometimes) just until Friday. We agreed on no more than two cuts between yesterday and Friday and no going any deeper than what I normally do.

So instead of feeling taken care of I got real mad at him. I started to feel like he was taking away my freedom to do what I want to myself. I always tell him... there is so much control in being out of control... Well I felt like he had too much control over me and I wanted to say %#@&#! you, I'll do what I want to myself.

Then I decided... well, maybe I should write about it instead of actually doing it... so I wrote this whole thing while I was going through all of this last nite... and I intend on bringing it in to him tomorrow... but then I ended up breaking the contract anyway and doing way more than 2. Then I felt bad and scared afterwards because I thought that the connection we had was strong enough so that I could stick to these contracts... if I don't wanna do something for me, I will usually do it for him... but I guess at the same time I didn't like that... I didn't like that I do things "for him" and I didn't like that he has that kind of power over me... And now I'm scared that he's gonna be mad at me. Or really disappointed. Or both.

Then I got even more upset because I realized what an angry, manipulative %#@&#! I can be.

I broke the contract. I have never broken a promise to him before. He has never broken a promise to me. I wouldn't like it if he did.

Bad Pink.