've been in a very serious relationship for over 2 years now. My partner has a 4 yr old who I've come to love as my own and who loves me as well. I've been a part of his life raising her along with my partner who shares custody with his ex-wife. Their relationship was never a healthy one, as they only got married because she got pregnant and it was an unhappy marriage before it even started with an abrupt and awkward ending. I've noticed that he's the type of person who can't be the bad guy (especially with women). Although he's assumed that my role to be everything that they both do for their daughter except for any legal or major decisions, he seems to go back and forth about how involved I am if his ex is ever present at any function. I am hurt because we have plans to get married and despite it creating a "legal title" connecting me to his son, but I already view her as my (step) daughter, it seems he will pull away my "status" and say hurtful things like I'm "trying to replace her mother" which I would NEVER want. He's so uncomfortable with being around me and his ex together that he won't be straight about when he'd prefer I didn't attend a school function (since he can't tell her not to come) so he'll tell me last minute that she'll be there or cancel last minute, etc. If I'm supposed to be another caretaker for her how involved am I supposed to be or where does the responsibility stop? Is a parent-teacher presentation really overstepping bounds if he has expected that I care for her in the same way that her biological parents do?

We all want what's best for our daughter. At first he said he wanted to be friends with her for the sake of their child, and then he said he wanted to be friends with her because they used to be friends before. I don't know how fair it is, but I don't think they need to be buddies. I believe they can be friendly and do everything that they can for their daughter. But too many times I feel that he's put her feelings first and I'm trying to find a healthy way of expressing how uncomfortable and unfair that is. If I am his wife-to-be, then shouldn't he be making that clear to himself and to her rather than catering to her feelings? Every time I've brought it up productive or unproductively, he shuts down or shuts the conversation down. There are firm and assertive ways of making a point without being cruel or insensitive. Was I wrong in thinking I could handle such a sensitive situation?