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pinksoil said:
Ok well T called me back yesterday and he was really worried about my SI-- so he asked me to contract w/ him(we do that sometimes) just until Friday. We agreed on no more than two cuts between yesterday and Friday and no going any deeper than what I normally do.

So instead of feeling taken care of I got real mad at him. I started to feel like he was taking away my freedom to do what I want to myself. I always tell him... there is so much control in being out of control... Well I felt like he had too much control over me and I wanted to say %#@&#! you, I'll do what I want to myself.

Then I decided... well, maybe I should write about it instead of actually doing it... so I wrote this whole thing while I was going through all of this last nite... and I intend on bringing it in to him tomorrow... but then I ended up breaking the contract anyway and doing way more than 2. Then I felt bad and scared afterwards because I thought that the connection we had was strong enough so that I could stick to these contracts... if I don't wanna do something for me, I will usually do it for him... but I guess at the same time I didn't like that... I didn't like that I do things "for him" and I didn't like that he has that kind of power over me... And now I'm scared that he's gonna be mad at me. Or really disappointed. Or both.

Then I got even more upset because I realized what an angry, manipulative %#@&#! I can be.

I broke the contract. I have never broken a promise to him before. He has never broken a promise to me. I wouldn't like it if he did.

Bad Pink.

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((((PINK))))

Hun, don't be upset! We make mmistakes thats part of therapy! We learn sooooo much from each event that takes place in ourr lives. I've read your posts for the longest time and have always been intrested in your relationship with your T. Its a great relationship! Please don't be hard on yourself....he only asked for a contract to make it harder for you to not cut more then twice......I hope....you...dont take it all out on you!

Dustin