Ugh. All day I've just wanted to curl up in my blanket and sleep and it's just getting worse as the day goes on. I'm so depressed (but not in an episode).

I think it's a lot of things. I'm nervous about starting my new job tomorrow and nervous about being a good teacher. I haven't taught sixth grade since my student teaching and that was such a disaster that I think I blocked the memories of it from my mind. So I'm basically doing my first year of teaching over again. Luckily for me I'm going to be co teaching two blocks and only teaching my myself for one, so I'll be able to see how they do it and go accordingly. The lessons are already planned, I just have to learn how to execute them. So that's good. And it should be fine. I'm just nervous.

But I think it's a lot of missing my husband too. I've kind of been avoiding it all summer, not really feeling any grief. But my brother's wedding was Saturday and while it was beautiful and I am so happy for them, it really highlighted what I've lost. I kept remembering my wedding and how happy I was that day. I just wish I were married. I'm lonely. I don't think I'll ever find anyone else and that makes me sad. I never wanted this. And then I get pissed too because it's my husband's own damn fault that he's dead. He chose to do drugs. He chose to lie to me. He chose to take that chance.

And of course it's my son's first day of kindergarten tomorrow. His father should be here to see it. To encourage him and tell him to have a great day. But he won't be there. My son just has me and my mom to send him on his way into a whole new chapter of his life. It's so saddening.

I just want to cry. Now as I write this I know this is the reason. Today was one of those days where I just wanted to give up and go back to bed. But obviously I can't do that. I cleaned my room and finally donated all the clothes that don't fit anymore. They've been in a pile in my closet for six months. I did the laundry (but didn't put it away). And I washed the dishes. That's good enough I think.

I just miss my husband so much.

But I'll be ok. I'm sure I'll feel fine tomorrow. I don't feel a crushing weight on my chest so I know it's not an episode. Just a day. Which I can handle.

On the bright side my son cleaned the kitchen table, washed the rest of the dishes, and cleaned the counter as a "surprise" for me. He is so sweet!