I have lived with S Ideation since I can remember, since my childhood. That and the voice which tells me its all futile never stop. They both may ease up a little, yet both never stop.

Even when everything external looks great, inside myself I am struggling.
It's just a better time to quit.

Over the many years, my doctors say this is from all of the trauma, goes hand-in-hand with c-PTSD.

The part I don't understand is: I feel this way on the inside, yet go out smiling and people are drawn to me. I sincerely like them and sincerely have fun with them. I'll instigate the fun! Yet these deep inner programs hold their ground and start the second I am not fully distracted.

A lifetime of "doing the opposite."

and

WC