Thank you, Kid. I guess the fact that the attendant is a kind and caring person is what I should focus on. I am telling myself that she is worth investing time in . . . that, while I have to do a lot of hand-holding now, she should eventually catch on and be able to remember how to do what I show her, though I may have to show her more than once or twice. We're talking here about things like frozen foods that just have to be heated in the microwave oven. I've discovered that this gal never, ever reads the instructions printed on the box. Some microwavable items have to be stirred halfway through. I'll have to explain this to her. The instruction cards is a good idea which I will employ. I am finding that you have to break each task down and explain it step-by-step. Then, typically, I find that I didn't break it down fine enough.

I am investigating everything that my friend could possibly be eligible for. There is a senior "daycare" that the VA will pay for. I really should visit it, even though my friend says he absolutely would not go to it.

His recalcitrance is getting completely out of hand. Yesterday, I left with what I thought was the understanding that he would attempt to shave hinself with his new electric razor. (Since April, I've done most of his shaves with a disposable safety razor.) I explained to the attendant to set him up with a TV tray and a mirror. I got him to agree to do it. Six hours later I come back to find that he just blew it off. He could have been doing it while watching TV. I think it's absolutely ridiculous for him to be this unwilling to do any little thing I ask of him.

I have even told him that I am going to walk away from this arrangement, if his attitude doesn't improve. That would result in him being put back into a nursing home against his will. He tells me that no one can force him into a nursing home. I've told him that it will never be me who does that, but it will happen if he doesn't have me managing his care (and doing a lot of it, myself.) He is unable to make himself a piece of toast, or to shower himself or to clean himself up when he has diarrhea (which happens recurringly.) If I relinquished my role as his care manager, the powers that be will not simply leave him to sit in his own excrement and rot away. I'm sorry to give a graphic detail, but that is the level of dependency that he is at. He is flat out delusional in his conception that he can just do whatever he wants and that he cannot be compelled into anything. If I gave up, I would have to notify the VA and his family. They would then "place" him somewhere. They've all already asked me if I would like them to have him adjudicated as incompetent and have myself court-appointed as his guardian. I've told his family and the VA "Absolutely not!" If anything ever has to be forced on him, it won't be me doing the forcing - not when he has 3 adult children. I'm his friend, and I'm not looking to have any legal power over him. Why should I want that?

The VA social worker says she will come out and explain to him that, if he doesn't cooperate with the homecare program in place and I give up my role helping him, he will be put in a longterm care facility. That's what I've asked her to explain.

I'm not looking to threaten him . . . . just to aquaint him with the reality of his situation. Later today, I'm going to bring up the not shaving yesterday, as an example of behavior that I will not continue to accept. Of course, he will respond - as he always does - by saying that I must be nuts making a big deal out of nothing. But these are the little nothings that add up to a pattern of him not in anyway trying to lighten the load on me. I am feeling like he is making a fool out of me, or I am just willingly being a fool.