Scotch, Luce and Shattered -

Thank you for the encouragement!

Some days, I do feel like I'm headed toward "ok" and then other days it feels like I'm freaking out, on the inside. It kind of cycles around. The thread was in a "freak out" place. Thank you for hearing me. Part of the "freak outs" is the feeling that there is no one that understands what it's like, and no way to know when this will be done/healed/recovered from.

As I said, I set out to learn as much as I could about what happens to me and why. In my silliness there was a thought that if I could understand it, I could control it. A realization came that I couldn't control it. Does understanding it make it any better? No. No it doesn't. Maybe that might even make it a bit more intimidating.

People do not realize that I don't choose to dissociate. They don't realize that I get hijacked, and don't even realize it until after the fact. They want to keep asking me, "When do you think you can just lay this down, forgive and get over it?" That question use to hurt me, because they didn't understand and I couldn't explain. Now. It makes me angry!

There is no way for me explain what it feels like, I don't have words to describe it. I guess maybe, it's kind of like trying to describe what colors look like to someone who cannot see.

Shattered - Your fear of being okay, reminds me of my not understanding what okay feels like. How will I know I've gotten there. What if I get there and realize I was much better where I was? That's a "rabbit hole" question - I know!

Luce - I hope you can find a provider that you are able to work with, without having to move! I hope there is another option for you!

I know, the slower you go, the more progress you make!! That is one of my counselors favorite sayings. My brain knows that it's true, but the rest of me is not happy without an agenda and an ETA.

Scotch - I will keep swinging!!