I have a very toxic family -- esp. 2 actively alcoholic sisters (likely with PDs, too). I have had to have a life where family toxicity does not predominate.
My husband and I have had my elderly mom living with us since my stepdad died. Enter family toxicity. My mother does not know how to set boundaries with family, cannot discern lies, etc., and brings all of this back into our lives.
She keeps it all going on her phone (texts), in person, etc.

One sister came to the house, brought her husband and son and daughter, walked in the front door and through the house, would not acknowledge, or even return a hello to, my husband and me. They sat down in the living room and just stared at us! We'd tried to converse with them and they would not reply, just stared. Only my niece would say anything. When they were finished staring, they got up and walked back out of the house, without a word.

We were later told, by a third party, they were looking for our mother and did not want to talk to us. So, why come storming into our home and act so rude? They can reach mother by phone or text. If they don't want to be civil enough to even say "hello," then why let themselves into our home?

It's more difficult for family and others to manipulate our mother with us around. My mother has 4 adult children and 3 step children. Nobody else stepped up to help her after my stepdad died. Six months later, we were still the only ones helping her, it was very clear nobody else was going to help. it's been years now and no offer of help from any of them.

I want to help my mother, yet I do not want this toxicity in my home or in my life. My mother is scared to death of anyone setting limits; she's afraid they'll never come to see her again. We cannot agree to being treated like this.

I'd awakened to a boatload of toxicity again this morning because My niece's 21st birthday party was last night. My mother was invited. We were not invited -- again -- because we set limits on rude behaviors. We also do not drink enough, their parties are all part 'til you pass-out parties. Their son and daughter have been repeatedly put at risk, esp their daughter because of the drunkenness and the failure to protect their children. (Daughter has been seriously traumatized by assaults at these parties. They drank more after their daughter was assaulted, instead of drinking less and protecting her from then forward. They are the hosts of these parties and put her at risk.)

Last night was a huge drinking party, esp because my niece was turning 21 -- legal drinking age. It was all over FB. The decorations on the cake are all liquor bottles, kegs were lined up.

(My niece has been severely traumatized by these types of parties and the drunken older men there, in the past -- she even went through 18 months of court trial --investigations, preparation and trial-- because of it all... and has never been the same.)

My mother attended for the first 2 hours, was disgusted and left.

So my morning, this morning, was filled with all of the ongoing issues -- issues mother expects me to solve.

There's nothing I can do. I tried everything before I'd started setting limits and keeping myself out of harm's way. I don't want this toxic crap in my home or in my life. If I have to give up on helping my mother in order to live a life free of this, I will have to. It's so frigging depressing, so damned toxic, all of it. It pushed me into a paralyzing depression today, I so do not need it!

Uggh! Uggh! UGGH!


WC

P.S. My childhood was very traumatizing. My father was actively alcoholic, volatile, unpredictable, violent before he took his own life. I've lost 2 brothers -- one to a car accident caused by a drunken driver, one lost his life to the ravages of alcoholism. I have worked very hard to have a sane life, a sane home.