Sitting in my car in T's parking lot. You guys are right. T says I don't have a secure attachment to her but she says we're working on my having one.

I asked about emailing without her answering but she said when I do that I'm wanting her to settle me, whereas she wants ME to learn to settle myself. I want HER to make it better. She wants ME to make myself better.

She understands that I'm grieving the loss of all the fantasy people in my life.

The hardest part was when she said it doesn't matter what she looks like, whether she wears her contacts or glasses, or how she's dressed. I tried to listen to all that.

When she asked where I feel the sadness in my body, I said I don't feel anything. She put her feet on top of mine for the whole rest of the session.

I couldn't cry though I felt like it. I didn't even get a chance to show her any photos.

She suggested headspace, a meditation app. Does anyone use it?

If I want, I can see her for an extra session before she goes away. I don't know what I want! I want T! She says she's here for me in the sessions. Nothing changed. But everything's changed for me. She can never be who I want!