Hey everyone. I am severely OCD and anxious and have been loosely described as AvPD by my therapists, although not officially diagnosed.
I just recently read a lot about "covert narcissism" online and am terrified that it describes myself. It said there was a link between covert narcissism and introversion for sure, and I may have been thinking I was AvPD this whole time when in reality I'm just really narcissistic. I kind of want your opinions on this as people who have AvPD....What is the real difference between AvPD and extreme introversion, vs. Covert narcissism?
Some of my symptoms:
I constantly feel fake when I'm with others. I always feel like I need to put on a front, both to hide my inner anxiety and to get approval from others. I'm terrified of rejection/criticism. If I am in trouble for something, I am more likely to lie/wiggle my way out of it than accept the blame. If I had a really great day, I will come home after work and exaggerate to my boyfriend why I had such a great day, and same for if I had a very bad day. I have a constant need to be interesting/accepted by him. So I am an exaggerator, almost compulsively. Like I can't control it sometimes.
I hate the fact that my boyfriend drinks and I get extremely passive aggressive when he drinks..like silent treatments, rolling my eyes at things he says, showing obvious contempt with him, etc. When I am out with him and his friends (who all drink) I sometimes start to feel like I am better than them, or smarter than them for not drinking. I don't have any friends who don't drink that I hang out with, and I usually end up getting angry and feeling uncomfortable at social gatherings. I hope someday I will find a group of friends that doesn't drink, but I worry that this can be equated with the narcissists idea that they can only associate with "certain, elite" people.
I occasionally have grandiose fantasies, for example, I like to sing karaoke and sometimes I imagine myself singing on stage. I imagine myself getting a great car next year and being an expert in my field.
Since I have OCD, I am obsessing constantly. Most of my obsessions revolve around myself so I do end up being very self absorbed. I have convinced myself that I have selfish reasons for everything I do and feel like a horrible person.
Lastly, being extremely introverted and OCD has led me to feel like I am different than others, and not understood. I do feel like I'm a deep thinker, and always thought I was an intellectual...but am I really? Or am I just having grandiose ideas about myself that aren't based off anything tangible.
Sometimes I feel like I really want friends, but other times I feel like I'm better off without friends, because making/having friends takes a lot of energy. I'm extremely afraid I don't want friends because I secretly feel that I'm better than other people...like I said I occasionally do think that about people who drink (IDK why I do it) or like I feel they wouldn't "understand" me (whatever that means)
Also, if I know that someone has criticized me in the past, even if the criticism is legitimate, I always hold a tiny grudge against them and am even more reluctant to get to know them.
I also can get jealous easily
I'm really freaking out about this and really need opinions/someone to talk to about this because my OCD is not easing up on this and I'm stuck in endless thought loops about it that go nowhere. I can't see my therapist for forever and you guys have been so helpful to me in sorting through my obsessions in the past!