Not diagnosed as NPD, just trying to figure out the root of my OCD, anxiety, and all my other problems and have stumbled across "covert narcissism" and now can't stop thinking that I have it.
Was wondering, from someone who is narcissistic or who has NPD, if some of the things I do could be considered seeking out "narcissistic supply"...
-I constantly obsessively worry if I'm only in a relationship with my boyfriend because I know he loves me. On 2 occasions in our 4 year relationship we have gotten in bad fights about his drinking where I convinced myself it would no longer work, and made a dating site profile I guess just to see if anyone would even be interested in me if I left him. The following day on both occasions, I felt bad and I deleted it.
-My boyfriend drinks and I am to the point where I hate it so much I feel that he either needs to cut back or I'll leave him. I fear that he'll drink too much constantly. But here's the thing: his drinking really isn't that bad. He rarely gets "drunk" but will often act buzzed. He does have an extremely high tolerance though and can drink a 12 pack in one sitting. I mostly freak out about the number of drinks he consumes in a time period, not how he's acting from it. It's super weird and I can't figure it out. But when he goes over the threshold of what I consider appropriate (usually like 6) I get passive aggressive...give silent treatments and withhold sex, tell him he needs to change, obsess about it, tell him I'm disgusted in his drinking, etc. When he doesn't drink at night I get so happy and think things like "omg it's so great that he's doing this for me" and get all bubbly and giddy and I love it. Would that be considered a form of narcissistic supply? Sometimes I wonder if he stopped drinking all together if I would not complain about anything else he did or find another "negative" aspect of him to control....I honestly don't know. I feel so happy when I can "control" this trait and idk what my problem is
-I feel like I hate when he hangs out with any of his friends who drink, and I constantly discourage him from doing it. I feel "better than" some of his friends who drink a lot, like I shouldn't associate with them. I know this feeling is wrong now and I am freaking out about it. I am worried deep down I want him to have no friends but I think it's just the drinking I'm trying to manipulate. On rare occasions where he hung out with friends and didn't drink at all, I remember being overjoyed.
-I occasionally exaggerate my achievements or even exaggerate how my day was. If I do something good, I get really proud of myself and brag about it and if I do something bad, I try to hide it or make it seem not as bad if I'm around people I know would disapprove.