*waving* Haven't been to this place in a long while. 2016 has been a pretty good year for me.

Today, on the new job I have, the CEO called my supervisor and told her that by and by he learned that in my orientation when I met with the payroll lady, there was a "scene" where I was "highly emotional" and "combative".

Now, I'm a writer. Succinctness is important to me. Confrontational for instance, is definitely not the same as combative. My supervisor tried to say that the adjectives weren't important. Well, yes they are - to me they are.

Anyway, I immediately knew the "scene" in question and saw myself seated there saying something about how you didn't have to enroll in healthcare, you could get exemptions from paying the Obama fee, etc.

So if I instantly knew what the "scene" in question was, then I must on some level know that I was "inappropriate" and confrontational if not combative, right? If that's true, I damn sure wish I'd learn to see it at that point and just shut my mouth. This is not the 1st time this has happened that others see or interpret my words or behavior as negative, overwrought, confrontational etc., when in my mind, it's like hey all I was doing was voicing my opinion or stating a counterpoint to your point.

*sigh* It's frustrating, and worst of all, the weirdness of it makes total sense to me because I basically don't have and never have had self perception. I don't know how I look to others, and really, half the time I feel like I don't even know who I am. I am sitting here tonight at work feeling lonely and misunderstood, taking it too personally, and thinking unwell thoughts. The dangerous crossover season into darkness (SAD) is approaching here in NE Ohio, so it's not a wise time to open the door on depression.

Just wondering if anyone here experiences that "Inside me I see" vs. "WTF are they seeing" syndrome. Of course if y'all are BPD, I'm sure you have. Are there ways to overcome this short of taping your mouth shut or up front stating that you have a mental illness that may make you seem just a bit intense?

** Incidentally, I found this in an article tonight. Describes perfectly and almost to the word what I said to a friend when I got this new job:

Patients describe a painful sense of incoherence
and inauthenticity; they feel as if they were only pretending
to be what they are, as if they cheated others into
believing them.