Thank you, Pennster. Those meditations look good.

I'm thinking about T telling me it doesn't matter whether she's wearing her contacts or glasses--what she looks like. I felt like shouting out "But it DOES matter to me!" But I didn't. She would ask " why does it matter?" Difficult question. I think because I WANT to be attracted to her because it feels exciting yet embarrassing. She would say she hopes I will have a man in my life to satisfy those needs. She already knows that part of me wants to be in love with her. So why did she say it doesn't matter? It SHOULDN'T matter is what she meant. It's all related to my wanting her to be THE SOLUTION.

The above was called "settling myself". I'm still a work in progress. But I don't have to email T to tell her she was wrong and that the way she looks does matter to me. I can discuss it next week if it still bothers me. I can't simply drop years of fantasizing. It's not that easy and I can accept where I am.