Venting/looking for support

- Had been working w T 5 years, really hard, prob should have left earlier, lots didn't improve, but some things did
- Work had been super stressful. In May had worst depression since late teens, self-harming, suicidal
- Got through it and had three months off for study in a different location - took a complete break from T
- The break was good! Focused on self. No stresses - didn't have to cook/clean,etc. Everything was provided. Refueled. Thought of him often.
- Before I left, had been reassured he'd "be there" when I got back. He even tried to give me a small framed item to help me remember this. He wrote in a note that he was proud and wanted me to go knowing that I can "return to the work" with him upon return.

I email him yesterday asking to set up appointment. I actually delayed a week because I was really afraid he wouldn't be there or would "get rid of me," (a constant fear throughout my therapy due to my history.). I finally got up the courage to trust him and sent a note asking if we could set something up.

He replies that at the moment he has no time to offer me.

I took that as he has no time for me. I call him freaked out because he had given me such reassurance that I would be able to "come back." I was afraid I was replaced or punished for leaving. He calls back. We speak. At first he just explains that there isn't time. I am confused so ask what is going on. He explains he's consolidating his practice. Something happened over the summer (he can't say what) but that his health/well being are OK, but he has dramatically reduced his hours. He doesn't have a regular opening for me.

I have no idea what happened over the summer, I can only assume the worst. I feel awful. He shifts something around to see me in a week.

I know that we're just going to have to say goodbye. I feel really sad. Sadder than I thought. To be honest, I was planning on going in and talking about decreasing/maybe ending, but wanted to know I could go back if I needed given where I was 3 months ago. Now it just feels...like it's been ripped out of my hands. I don't know whether to trust him that "something happened" or if he really is consolidating his hours.

Obviously, I don't begrudge him his own life. I just wish it didn't keep intruding and confirming all my fears and making me feel like ****.

But maybe its a blessing in disguise I was gone during whatever "it" was that happened. I doubt I would've taken it well then.

I know it's time to leave. I am scared. I felt better because I had no stresses, but now I'm back in a grueling job. And on top of it losing an important support in my life. I'm scared...and I feel like every time I try and trust someone with this "healing from childhood trauma" stuff I get royally f'd.