Thank you, waggiedog. I find your response really helpful and kind.

I'm sorry if I don't make a lot of sense after this. It's nearing 11 PM here. I've had a long and disappointing afternoon and evening since I last posted here, and now it's looking to be a long and lonely night, without even much promise of respite from sleep, as I probably won't be able to.

It's funny that I would write a post today of all days about wanting "out", because a short few hours ago my parents were drunk arguing, and my dad said much the same thing, that he wants to just leave my disabled mom and I, cut off our cable and electric and just go. I know we are only a couple of sick losers and disappointments to him, but why say that. Then again I almost wish he would. Not only would we be free of him, but

You are right, waggiedog, when you say I am young to be this depressed. I don't get it. How can so many bad things happen in such a short time to someone who has not even lived two full decades? Well, actually, I'll be 20 this November. But I feel like 20 going on 200! I just feel like hell, downtrodden and like giving up. I don't have that "light in the darkness" other people seem to have that keeps them going, either... I feel it's miraculous that I'm even still going at all. I don't know HOW I'm still running... probably just on exhaust fumes at this point. Well, it's only fitting I am starting to run out and slow down.

"It's a lot to ask of people to stick by us". - Could be the reason that the only time people "hear" what I'm "saying" is through a screen and keyboard. I know I'm not entirely alone in that sense. But there are times I desperately need someone to be physically here... and there is never anyone...

I guess I'm extra bitter today, because it was such a $h*tty day anyway, with my mom vomiting after waking up past noon and nothing in the house getting done because she is too sick and I'm too depressed. Then my parents fought, and my asshole dad said all that I mentioned above - and THEN, to ice the ten-tiered $h*t cake, a guy I've been talking to for only a few days, didn't want to talk with me tonight because HE'S having a bad day. I feel like I am the one always listening to others problems and but am never heard. I just wanted to chat light-heartedly, not complain. It's the only thing that really could have redeemed this $h*tty day, and now, night.

So yes, I will stick with PC, waggiedog. At least you and lovely others here acknowledge my pain.
Thank you for replying to me and acknowledging my "no hotlines" request as well.

And to anyone who reads this thing all the way through, WOW... Thank you... You are a lot more patient than I am!