Thanks so much for sharing your situation, which is a lot like mine and apt to become even more so.

The answer to your question #1 is "Yes! - I could become his paid caregiver, either through Medicaid or through the VA Pension for Aid and Assistance. He now gets both. I waive that for financial and emotional reasons . . . and maybe I'm being stupid. I, myself, am now living on Social Security and receiving some benefits by virtue of my being in a low-income category. They're not huge and would probably even be out-weighed by the income I could get as his paid caregiver. But they are permanent benefits that I can rely on. Like: I get a Section 8 housing voucher that I spent about 3 years waiting in line to get. It't just about $200/mon., but I can count on it, probably for as long as I live. He, on the other hand, might give up the ghost two months from now and, then, it might take me years to get back my housing subsidy. When you are poor, it's hard to give up a reliable government subsidy for an unreliable paying job. That's what is called "perverse incentivization" (typically pointed out by Republican politicians.) And it truly is just that.

My second reason for not being paid is emotional. My boyfriend and I have had 32 years of a rather troubled relationship. That's why we don't live together. (For the first 12 years he drank heavily.) I like feeling free to do only as much as I want. And I think he treats me better, knowing I can walk away whenever I want. Me taking money might allow him to sort of see me as his paid servant. I truly want him to be as independent of me as possible, so I am channeling the funds available toward getting him as much "outside" hired help as possible. I love him, but I also want to not be practically living with him. I want my time back more than I want the money.

I know I've revealed a lot here, and I don't mind doing that. I really appreciate the interest shown to me on this thread.

To your question #2: I'm really not aware of everything going on in my community and through the lical VAMC. I think a VA psychologist who has done consults on my guy has told me there is a group. I need to call her and ask about that.

It's a shame your husband won't seek care at the VA. It can take some persistance to get all a vet is eligible for, but it is worth going after. Your husband is not looking ahead to when he will have increasing health problems, as age does bring. There are things he can get through the VA that he might not get through Medicare. He really should get hooked up with both. He's lucky to have you still so interested in him. You know, I thought my situation was rare. The VA psychologist has told me that they have quite a number of vets who are being looked after by ex-wives.