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keepitmoving said:
What do you mean by him needing to find out where his boundaries are? And if that means he thinks that whole part of his life is absolutely none of my business, is that supposed to be acceptable?

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He needs to search his heart and apply logic to his feelings to see just how important his ex-wife is to him as opposed to you and having you in his life. He needs to find out where his feelings for his ex-wife end, what his responsibility to her begins and ends. The way I see it, he has NO responsibility towards the EX. His responsibilities are for his daughter and his daughter ONLY.

He needs to get it clear in his head and his heart how he feels about you, how much of his life he wants to share with you, what your role is and will be. Are you going to be his #1, or does his ex share a part of that position. It's not fair of him to expect the both of you to be #1.

After he makes these decisions, and if you can live with them, then it's fair for you to expect him to stand by those decisions.

You need to be sure of what your role is as his woman. You need a commitment from him that you are his ONLY woman especially after you're married.

If his ex has physical custody of their daughter, then it would be your role to be a support for her dad. However, you do have a say in her behavior when she is in your home. You and he have to come to an abiding stand as to what is acceptable and what isn't. In no way is that little girl allowed to disrespect you. You have the right to maintain your own boundaries in that respect. It's about your person. If there is friction on that point, then the two of you have to come to some sort of an understanding and stand by it.

What Perna said is also very valid. I wish I had had her advice when I was trying to raise my blended family. I might have not made the mistakes I made. Now, I'm speaking a lot from hindsight. What I'm saying to you comes from the fact that my husband couldn't stand up to his ex's big, brown puppy dog eyes. She'd bat her eyelashes and he was done for! Many times, he'd agree with me on a course of action and the minute she walked in the house, it all went out the window!

I was insecure as his wife, I was insecure as his son's mother, and I was definitely jealous of the son and ex-wife! Not a good place to be. I had worked very hard to get him custody of his son, which was a driving force in his life. To top it all off, the boy was physically and emotionally abused at his mother's house. I was the one that took him to get medical attention, and I was the one that hired the attorney to protect the boy... because my husband wouldn't. No gutts. He wanted me to be the bad guy. No problem! LOL I'm as bad as they come when it comes to protecting an innocent child!

But I'm digressing... Take what you can use of my experience and leave the rest. Best to you!