Thank you to all who read and replied. I always appreciate your taking the time to read and offer input and feedback.

It went well. She brought up the post-session phone call. I was both afraid (she's going to be angry and ditch me for being too needy!) and ashamed because again I couldn't remember what all I had said and had to tell her that. All part of the process she said, it's okay. I felt reassured and verbally hugged.

One aspect of the call we talked about was about not saying what I want in there, in the moment when I'm feeling it. I'm aware of that somewhat but mostly it's afterward that I feel much of anything. I said that I think that it builds up during session and I supress it whether aware of it or not. And that afterward I allow my self to feel it and that causes the volcanic eruptions :-). It's an old pattern of not reacting/feeling until I am off alone.. many reasons for that then, but not helpful now.

She agrees and revisited how the therapeutic relationship works, that we do this *together* and she *wants* my input. That I will be heard, listened to, and that what I have to say is important. Also said that she likes my associations. I felt safe; I hope I can hang onto that feeling.

We talked about the fantasies again. She said last session how they are not abnormal and that they are useful in everyday life. True and I hadn't thought of that. And that they are also part of the process.

I told her I wondered if the fantasy that makes me 'take myself away' while in session is a defense. She was curious. I'd been thinking that since I have difficulty talking, and the fantasy takes me away so I don't/can't talk, then...
Well, isn't THAT handy!!

She mentioned childhood development and how we'd explore that together. OH! I didn't know she meant that in that way before. I thought she mentioned Anna Freud and Erik Erikson as a way of gaining background, reference. But she means we can talk about the mechanics of it in session. I am glad to hear that.

So many of my memories are so vague, blah, tidbits.. if there at all. Odd that I spent many years rehashing and reliving and now those things are hard to get to. Have I worked through them, or I just stuffed them away I wonder. Time will tell I suppose...

Anywyay, love T, love analysis. Remind me next week ok?