i dont know what hit me in T today. i was already in panic mode as i was heading there. she asked me how i was doing .wanted to know if i was in a better place . i said about the same . she said again that i was not in a good frame of mind when i left last week and wanted to know if i was going to talk to her about it . i felt horrible .i know i treated her badly last week i refused to talk to her i felt she was attacking me because she said i was projecting stuff on to her and she told me to not do that .my head has been so messed up with so much going on with the mother .i cant get her out of my head . i apologized to my T and she sternly said to stop apologizing to her . that terrified me and i started to cry .i didnt know how to fix what i did . she said when i apologize so much i think she is judging me and that is not the case at all. that i did nothing wrong last week. she wanted me to see how the mother affects me . she wanted me to talk about what was messing with my head . she said that it was time and i need to start working on this. she then asked me what was the worst thing going on in my head at that very moment . i just went ice cold .my blood just froze.it drained from every part of my body. THE MOTHERS VOICE was all i could say. i swear i was going to pass out. i think i must have gone completely pale because my T got up and grabbed the pillow on the other side of the couch .i wanted her to know i felt like ice i told her and she put the pillow on my lap and told me to hold on to that and to know that in this room i am safe . again i told her it was the mothers voice that messed with my head . im still freezing . she asked me what about her voice bothered me . it terrified me .i told her i had no words to describe that voice but i know it.she told me i didnt need to have words,that she understood and wanted again to know what hearing that voice meant. ice cold that is howi felt .i told het it was the voice of when she was upset angry . she asked me what would happen when i heard that voice .i tried but i couldnt say the words . i said whatever different things . my T said you would get hurt . it is the voice of evil and i need to get it out of my head.she said that im imprinted with it and we need to change it . i said i have no idea if that could happen. she told me it isnt real . but it seems real to me . she said that she does know how to help me but i need to let her . all of this happened in what seemed like forever but it was only about maybe 15 min . we spent the rest of the time counting and breathing and imaging how it might be without that voice in my head . she just wanted me to breath ,sit quietly and try to let go and just feel some quiet peace .she let me say what i would think it would be like and we would do more breathing . it actually seemed to help me not be so freaked out .but only 15 min of talking and the rest of the time to calm me down .i dont know how that is helpful .yes it felt nice to calmly sit there and my blood did start running through my body again . why do i get so terrified .