No, I don't think happiness is a decision one can take. It's about the right meds, and all of the stars lining up right. I'm glad you have things to do to distract you. I'm sorry therapy is so expensive and hasn't helped in the past.

You do sound depressed or at least very sad and worrying about a bunch of things --so do you find yourself ruminating? That 's where the distraction comes in.

I hope for you that the other shoe doesn't drop. Maybe you can head this off before it gets any worse. It sounds like you're very aware of your issues and that you sound like you're doing the best you can to help yourself

Best of luck in not falling lower. Again you sound so aware of your issues, and this is the first step, that and destracting yourself, doing what makes you feel better. You're no narcissist, you're just reflecting on what is making you sad and pleasure-seeking at the same time. I think you can be both with it being depression and not a mixed episode, but not sure. Best of luck in heading this monster off!