It's been a very long time since I've been on here but things have gotten seriously bad for me. I've dealt with treatment resistant depression. I've been fired from two jobs in the last year because I wasn't at work long enough to qualify for FMLA and my personal time ran out. That's the short story.

It was just about a month ago I lost my job. My time off of course was unpaid and I'm running out of money. I had ketamine treatments and had a gene test done which showed that all of the medications I had been taking showed a significant gene drug interaction. For those who are wondering, ketamine treatments are a last resort for clinical depression when everything else fails.

The ketamine treatments helped and I'm on the meds that seem to be working now. However I'm going through such a hard time right now and I'm about to run out of money. I had to take a hair test for a job I want and need desperately but it's going to return results for the ketamine treatments and the medical marijuana (I have a card) that I used for severe insomnia. Nothing else helped me sleep and the insomnia was making things worse for me. I will fail this drug test. The new norm in corporate America is hair folicle tests which is very invasive, my entire history of prescription medications is going to be revealed too. My privacy is gone, I'm going to have to explain all this once the results come back.

I've absolutely run out of steam and don't have it in me anymore. I will NOT go to the hospital. I don't have the money for it and the last experience I had in a psych ward was bad and it was pretty much jail with a huge medical bill. I'd rather just be in a cell by myself.

I just want to go somewhere without being forced to go to the hospital. Anyone who knows me doesn't truly understand the hell I've been through and I just can't talk to anyone anymore. My psychologist has stood by me this whole time and I'm at the point where I don't even want to bother her anymore either.

Suicidal thoughts will not leave me alone. The messed up part about this is that on the good days I still think about killing myself and how I'm going to do it and where I'm going to do it.

Can't I just ask to be thrown in jail for a few days instead of go to the hospital? I don't think I'm going to last much longer. Does any one know if the police will just let you stay in jail for a night? I'd rather do that than go to the hospital. The ER will ask questions and force me to go to the psych hospital and I cannot go through that again. If I answer honestly a social worker will commit me. If I don't they will discharge me, I had this happen a few months ago when I went there voluntarily. All I wanted was a night there with no questions asked.