Today was a rough session.

I started out in "angry mode." I was terrible. I said, "I broke the contract" and then folded my arms and refused to talk about anything. I mean, I would mention a little something here and there, and then he would say, "Ok... now can you tell me......?" And I would just flat-out say, "No."

Then I started to soften just a little bit and I said, "I want to let you in, but I don't know how." He's like, "Let me in where?" Um, into the refridgerator, jackass--- geez, where do you think?

Then he said, "How about you just pull out one thing you want to tell me? You can keep all the rest of your stuff safe, but just let one thing out."

So I said-- you know that kid with the colored pencils? I don't like that kid very much.

I talked about how I wanted to get that type of caring at attention from him-- the kind you would give a little kid. He asked if I felt like he betrayed me as a little girl.... I said yes, it did feel like that.

And then he says something about the bond with a child and how it should never be broken no matter what.... and as he is saying this, he hands me the pillow to hold... he does this when I feel small and we call it my "stuffed animal"..... and it was all so beautiful and overwhelming and then I start to cry (still stuck to the no-tissue rule).

I was totally in little kid mode. He asked me to tell him exactly what I wanted... He said, "take a chance-- I promise I will still be here. I am not going anywhere."

I closed my eyes and told him, "I want you hold me. I want you to hold me in a way that makes me feel like everything is going to be okay... even if it's not, it doesn't matter because for that moment, it would feel like it would be... I want you to hold me so that I can feel as though nothing could ever hurt me."

Then I died.

No wait, I didn't... I'm still here.

He said to me, "Can you imagine right now how that would feel?"

No dumbass, that's why I want you to do it.

I didn't say that though. I tried to imagine it and felt safe for a little bit but then it was so painful because there I was telling him exactly what I wanted-- and I can't have it.

So then after crazy-rage-woman and little kid made their appearances, I sort of came back to myself. I talked about a dream that I had that represented all of the differentiated parts of my personality. Then he said something that really touched me.

He said that it's important in therapy for me to experience the other "compartments" of my personality-- and to be able to be in those roles in session... then he said, "but sometimes I want to talk to the poet. I want to talk to you her about her reading and her workshops.... And then I want to ask her things about school."

I said, "You are interested in those things?"

He said, "Why wouldn't I be?" I said-- I just never realized you would be interested in the part that is just.... me.

I really loved that.

We talked for a few minutes about my poetry reading and then time was up.

I am seriously in a million pieces. I am not even close to fully processing what went on in that session. There are times in which I feel so lost within myself that I don't know if I am even connecting with him. I'm not sure if I'm acknowledging that he is experiencing these things along with me, of I'm just so lost within experiencing them myself.

I don't even know what do make out of the session today.