So I came across a picture on FB that one of my brother's posted today. Neither of the two of them (they're both older) post personal things often. I actually can't even remember the last time either of them did.

Anyway, the pic was a family photo from long ago...specifically, when my 2nd brother was maybe almost a year old, which was years before I came along. It's actually a great picture - everyone looks great in it.

So why is it triggering me!? It's making me feel like I should never have been born - like it was some idyll that is a revision of history or something. And having that feeling makes me feel like a damn 12-year-old in the early throes of female hormonal drama. It's ridiculous. But it's there. Ugh.

There's also the bit where my brother tagged my other brother in the photo, and the two of them are besties, and I really just feel like neither of them can be bothered most of the time to remember they even have a sister. And if I did disappear, it would be no skin of either of their backs. I'm stuck with feeling either insignificant or inconvenient to them most of the time. And I don't know how to stop caring about this, so I stay in this stupid 12-year-old frame of mind. And I wonder if it would just be easier to disappear after all - not in the permanent sense, but in the connection to family sense; dropping the line and all that.

Don't know why I'm posting, exactly, except that I hate feeling like I'm the part of the family that they would rather forget about AND I don't feel like this is worthy of mentioning out loud to anyone. If I was objectively listening to me, I would think it's irritating and juvenile.