Dear NoGreaterLove11, I cannot relate to Dysthymia but I have gone through periods in my life (since a teenager) where I have compulsively fantasized about suicide. I kept it a secret from everyone and never sought any treatment for it until a near attempt in my late 40's. I think its an indication that our lives are really crappy in some way. We just don't want to think about the worst things about our life. I still don't like to face some of them. Don't like to journal about them and or post about them. It's much easier for me to talk about my "wins". Hate to acknowledge some of the bad things I've been through. SI is one of many ways I would distract myself from them. It can also become sort of a habit. But it's a very serious issue that needs to be treated because, from experience, it can eventually lead to a real attempt. I'm pretty sure that I have PTSD from my attempt last year. Actually attempting is much more dark and scary than it is in our fantasies. I do not recommend it to anyone!
Sorry, I sort of digressed and started talking about myself but it is important that you seek treatment for your desire to die. Hoping you can have more enjoyable fantasies than death soon!
Sincerely, Myst