Basically, I'm figuring out that depression and anxiety appear to be symptoms of other things, for me. I seem to allow life to suck - because my self-confidence, self-esteem and (at least situational) social anxiety are worse than I thought. I'm not 100% sure why but I have a few suspicions. I get the impression this built up over time.

It's good to "know your enemy" but how to properly repair it is daunting.

One other surprising realization I have had is that, even though psychology emphasizes the negative thoughts we have, the absence of positive thoughts is just as significant. For example, the kind of thoughts that an assertive person or a hopeful person would logically have just don't seem to naturally occur to me very often. The more I think about it, the more they are conspicuous by their absence.