Hey. Thanks for the responses guys. I'm not quite sure where to even begin on the 'which is worse' thing. There are lots of pretty ****** things in life, I guess. Yeah, my parents are still alive, but I really have very little to do with them. My dad left when I was 7 and I didn't see a great deal of him after that. My mother is emotionally unstable. I spent 7 years of living just with her with her punishing me for all sorts of (sometimes imagined) things. Spent most of that time in my room or acting out at school, really. Social Welfare put me in a home when I was 14 because of how she was treating me.

Mostly its about... Me idolising my Father in hindsight. I was about seven so I'm not sure how well I remember, but I'm fairly sure that I wasn't all that very upset when he left. But then my Mother deteriorated severly. I guess that is when I started feeling really upset. And some of that took the form of pining for him, I guess. Since he never hurt me. But really... He was never really there for me. Just easier for me to idolise him in hindsight and think like he was and think like he loved me and think like he would come get me at some point. He would... He would... But of course he didn't. He didn't want me. And my Mother wouldn't let me go (Social Welfare had to make her give me up to them).

So... Which is worse... Dunno. Things can be ****** all round.

My therapist starts to remind me a little of my father. He doesn't intentionally hurt me. But he will split when other things come up. Other things that he cares about more (like how my Father came to care about other women etc and didn't seem to care or even notice how they treated me).

I dunno.