Thank goodness the kids have you to protect them and stick by them. From the sounds of it, you might be their SINGLE HOPE to develop into healthy adults. All my brothers and I had were people to be around us as visitors - grandparents, uncles... but we were stuck living in my mother's miserable presence and drama. Our father went off to have the peaceful life he wanted and created a new family and proudly started all over. Sad but true.

You've had many responses and I didn't read every one yet.

Have you considered seeing a therapist on your own? It could help to start learning more about how all this happened so your children have a better relationship with you and hopefully their mother. It will be healthiest for everyone if you and mom could get on the same page and function as a child-raising team as soon as possible.

One of the best things we can do for ourselves is be accountable for OUR PART in the situation. You married for better or worse, through sickness and health and yet you say you never loved her, yet you continued to have sex with her and made two children. You're no angel, sir. In your original post you treat your own mistakes as perfectly explainable and yet subtly minimize the psychological impact of losing her parent to terminal illness. It is EXTREMELY traumatizing to endure that loss and having to care for a newborn after that. You seemed more concerned with the secondary results of HER trauma and include those inconveniences in your reasons for hating her. Please consider your role in creating this.

Truly wishing the best for you all, especially the children.

Sincerely,
Lele