So, tomorrow morning, I start full-time work as an activity director for the chronically mentally ill. This is something I have to do in order to get my 300 internship hours for the last class in getting my degree for clinical mental health. I started the program in January 2013. In April 2014, I had a bout of psychosis resulting in hospitalization. I was in the emergency room twice for sedation and went to a psych hospital for a night.

My husband has been talking about starting a family. I have always imagined having multiple children in my life, as I am an only child and I've felt that has been pretty hard on me. I'm 27 and my husband is 31, so we feel like we don't have much more time to put off the inevitable. I have managed to make the plan of stopping my birth control in April when I see my APN for my yearly. I feel this will give me time to prepare mentally and physically for having and taking care of a baby, and to finish my degree and get some good insurance going that can't be yanked out from under me at any old time the government decides.

I'm starting to feel a bit anxious and overwhelmed by life though. My husband and I have just moved back in with his mother, and the living conditions are much better than where we were before. Also the pressure has been less with running a household with another person and sharing our bills. We are all able to have more with less money.

I've been off emotionally for a while now, starting in May, I would say. I made the decision to take 9 hours of classes this summer so I could finish school this December instead of waiting until next summer. It was just something about how the scheduling worked out. I think it might've also been a hypomanic decision because during June, I worked during the day and had classes in the evening Monday-Thursday. I was barely home for a few waking hours and then one of those weekends, I did a conference at the school also. I managed to pull of the classes though.

At the beginning of July I went with my mom to visit family for a vacation in the city we both were born. There I felt almost euphoric. I don't remember being that happy in a long time. I love my family on my mom's side, but I only get to see them about once every 5 years. When I'm there, I dream of moving back more than usual. But I wouldn't do so without my husband and his friend who has been like a brother to both of us. And neither of them have any desire to move to where I used to live.

So when I came home, I was pretty disappointed with how everyday life is where I live now. I had lots of crying spells because I know that no matter my decision, its going to result in missing some people that I love deeply. My husband gets upset when I get like that, missing my hometown and hating on where I live now. We got in some arguments because of this, which messed our moods of even more. After a few weeks, I decided to see my APN for a med change.

She bumped my Zoloft up from 50mg to 100, and she wanted me to start counseling again. I thought this was a good idea, since I felt I have had some issues I needed to work out since the last time I was in counseling in 2014. I decided to try private practice this time, since I felt that the counselor I had before was so overworked and didn't do my treatment plan for both series of sessions I saw her and she couldn't remember what homework she had assigned me and some things about what I had shared with her.

Well, the Zoloft has really helped with the sadness. I feel pretty balanced compared to how I felt in May-June and then in July. The only problem is the side effects now. I'm having trouble with being sleepy during the day, and I stay on either the couch or the bed most of the time. I tried practicing waking up between 8-9 this past week because I know I'll have to be up at 7 next week. I'd either snooze until 10:30-11, or if I woke up when I was supposed to, I'd nap again sometime before 1. I just couldn't make myself stay up. And then I've been having really vivid dreams that are all pretty emotionally straining. Like last night I dreamed I was involved in a shooting at a store I was shopping at where multiple people died and the shooter shot herself outside the store.

Private practice counseling has been sort of disappointing as well. I've had two sessions so far that have lasted about 20-30 minutes and it sounds like she's going to discharge me next session. We just haven't been able to dig into the issues that I needed to talk about. I feel like since I'm in school and about to work, many people automatically assume that I'm "stable" and don't really need any help. Maybe my assumption is wrong, and maybe it is my own fault for not being able to communicate my needs effectively. She had me read a book called Boundaries, and that has been helpful so far.

I'm also having issues around whether I am bipolar or not. My mom keeps telling me I'm not and that the doctors and counselors don't know me. She thinks it is my medicine that keeps me from living effectively because of the tiredness and laziness it causes. She had similar problems when she was on an antidepressant, so she just stopped taking it. This was about 15 years ago. Now, to me, she seems hypomanic and very ADHD. It is hard for her to stay on one topic in conversation and I feel she talks 90% of the time and me 10%. So it's hard for me to spend time with her. I feel guilty and like a bad daughter, but every time I do spend time with her, I feel worse and confused, like if I'm not bipolar, why am I taking these medicines. It gets to my head. My best friend who is also bipolar and my husband tell me I need to keep taking my medicines. And most of the time I agree. It's just that I have yet to get an official diagnosis, so I can't feel fully committed to fighting bipolar. I've gotten one from my first counselor near the beginnings of my second sessions with her. But then on the last session of that series, she said "I don't know what you are, I'm not a good diagnostician." And my APN said I might have some bipolar 2 symptoms, but she seemed kind of iffy the way she said it. And my second counselor said "If it walks and talks like a duck, it probably is a duck." The pdoc at the psych hospital I stayed at said "I hope this isn't the beginnings of bipolar" right before he discharged me the following morning I was admitted. So I really don't know where I stand. I don't know if I even belong here.

I'm just getting a bit anxious and overwhelmed by the week ahead, and I realized that I need some support from other places than where I am not, because that's not feeling enough for me. My mother-in-law's place is now super full of stuff too, since we're working on combining two households. We're having a yard sale in October, but it's another big project I feel overwhelmed by, and the lack of space in here is keeping me from doing the exercise regiment that was working for me before I went on vacation.

I'm not really sure what I'm asking with all this. Maybe I just really needed to vent. I don't know where to go from here. I feel like medical help and mental health help aren't going to meet my needs, so I'm ready to give up on that front. Maybe you guys can help me, and I'm also thinking about getting help with home organization from a site called FlyLady Premium. I'm hoping to start logging in for the weekly bipolar chats here. Maybe these things with help me weather the obstacles I've been facing.

Sorry this is so long, and I thank you very much for reading.