I don't *want* to reassure Ts but I have ended up doing it -- a LOT with former T before things got really bad between us (maybe partly that's why).

I know it's part of my set of issues -- basically if I even slightly sense (and this is really a deep-seated almost unconscious, although I'm now much more aware if it) response to someone not completely liking / accepting me and being even slightly hostile / irritated / frustrated / impatient with me. It almost feels like an intense physical discomfort for me to not try to placate them somehow.

With former T, right from the first session, I felt like she was somewhat dismissive, angry and impatient with me. It sounds bizarre that I stuck it out and kept going back but basically there was such an intense sweetness in the familiarity of making myself vulnerable to someone like that, that I just couldn't walk away. I also have a history of being involved with women who have severe anger issues (by the reckoning of others) -- so yeah, perfect storm etc.

I didn't though immediately start reassuring former T -- I started doing that when she'd get visibly irritated at my asking her questions about therapy, telling her about stuff I read etc. Thanking her or starting a session with acknowledging stuff she'd said previously -- for a while -- made her much calmer (she'd visibly smile -- a big event!) and not prone to get irritated with me. Of course, I also stopped telling her stuff that seemed to set her off (asking questions about therapy or mentioning stuff I read etc).

We very briefly talked about it towards the end -- she said that she had no idea I had any issues with her in the first few months because I'd thanked her etc. I told her that I'd done so because I thought she was angry at me -- so, of course, she said that was my "stuff" and my dysfunctional / messed-up responses (which I totally conceded of course).

I know exactly how this reads and I cringe even as I say it but here's the thing -- I couldn't have stopped the behavior a year ago because it felt physically painful almost to not do it, given my dynamic with her. And yes, if that's how I felt, I should've left a long time ago but other than my pathology, I also had logistical reasons for not leaving earlier.

Ironically, in leaving former T, I finally feel like I'm much more capable of not getting into a dynamic like that again -- I may never have a perfectly healthy response to others' anger but I know that I can at least avoid ever surrounding myself with intimate relationships which recreate that messed-up dynamic.

With current T then, I'm sure while we'll have some issues / arguments / disagreements etc, I just don't feel like that weird dynamic will ever get recreated -- because, she has a very different (much less reactive to my stuff) personality and way of relating to me which almost has me feeling like I can breathe freely (in a way that it seemed I never could with former T).

So yeah, the short answer is that I don't want to or will reassure every T -- but, I have done so in the past when somehow there seemed to be a neat / perfect dysfunctional "fit" between us which brought out my crappy behaviors in full technicolor.