I feel really yuk right now, irritable, discontent and restless. Feel like I want to be rid of my body!

I know this HAS got to be because I have no T next week and I know this is a stupid thing to say but inside this voice is wanting to scream at T, " why do you do this when you know how much it hurts me?" I want her to change her mind and say "i'm sorry, I wont take a break" but then I guess its the same as the other week when we talked about not being flexible on times. What would happen if she were to give in to my anger and rage and pain and not take a break? would that really solve the problem? I mean what would happen on xmas and other holidays? shes got to be away at some point?

Its like if she would just change her mind and not take a break, I would be ok. Oh but somehow as I type this I think, Mmmm maybe thats not such a solution? I'd feel pretty depressed then that I would have stopped T doing something.

I'd feel then that she was resenting me because I wouldnt let her take a break? I wouldnt want to feel like that. But I guess what I'm imagining is T saying "oh I'd so want to stay with you" but then I wouldn't really feel comfortable with that either coz it would kinda freak me out. I'd feel she was trying to fix herself by fixing me.

So what is I really feel would help me????? I just bloody hurt and I dont want too and I don't know how to feel ok with this. I don't feel I have enought tools yet. I need T to help me and she aint here. catch 22