Good job not cutting! It is an addiction, you know. It affects the brain in very simimar ways as substance addiction. And I've gotten a rush handling my knife too, even when I didn't use it or just went through the motions. It's not safe to try that though. The closer you get to doing it, the stronger the pull is. Keep on resisting! The other thing you need to do is to address the feelings that make you want to cut. When you feel bad, talk about your feelings or do something about it constructively. Then you can feel better long-term.

TC,
Rap