I participated in a program for victims of DV. In my case, it was not physical, but verbal/emotional. My level of distress was truly not severe, but I was invited into the program anyway. Though I did not consider my situation anything remotely like the situations of other participants, I availed myself of the opportunity to learn some things.

One of the things they stressed (and these were counselors who specialized in domestic abuse) was exactly what Talthybius just said in the post above. They said this is based on careful studies that have been done researching these homes. IF a man who has been physically abusive ever does change, it will almost never be for the woman he has a history of smacking around. If he changes, it will almost always be in the context of a new relationship.

An example of that is actor, Sean Connery. He had a history of battery against his first wife (according to her,) but not in the case of his current wife. See the link below for some insight into the mind of a batterer:



As Connery explains to Barbara Walters, he does not view hitting a woman as wrong, if the woman sufficiently provokes the man - like by being really annoying. Interesting mindset.

Some men truly believe that hitting their women is a male prerogative, like having the right to discipline their dogs. I think these men have an instinct for sensing whether or not a woman will tolerate being hit. Women do differ in their tolerance of violence in men.

I heard on a radio show that Nicole Simpson supposedly came home from her first encounter with O. J. wearing ripped clothing. He had gotten that aggressive with her right at the get-go. When a friend expressed concern, her response, supposedly, was that she didn't mind so much because she really liked O. J. There's another interesting mind set.

People gravitate toward each other for reasons. There is some kind of magnetism between the OP's former gf and her ex. It's not just about her wanting an intact family for her kids. Idealing, she'ld like to have her ex, despite his violence, and a spare guy on the side who can be the gentle comforter. A woman like that is trying to avoid making a necessary choice.