I had a thread earlier about boyfriend and his unhealthy attachment to his parents. However, by reading what I wrote and what other people wrote to the topic I got to really horrifying conclusion which deeply affects my feeling of self-worth and sanity: it's not his attachment, it's the fact I am not his, not first, but not even his second choice. I am like something he is trying to fit into his life without having to change anything. He is trying to fit me in somehow really, and he thinks it's a sign of affection, but he never asks me how I feel. And he is not the only one. Every "friend" I had in life was treating me like an option. If we meet somewhere by accident-great! If we don't they just keep me aside to wait until their schedule is completely empty so that they can fit me in. Everyone always did it to me, except obviously, my parents. But everyone else, boy, I am a last choice! I had situations when I arrange to meet with a friend, wait for her couple of hours (it was before cell phones), only to find out later when I called from public phone that someone more interesting to her just drop by unexpectedly and she ditched me! My current boyfriend, though we are together for 10 years, never ever wants to change anything in his life, I feel he would rather lose me than lose anything from his daily routine. He claims he loves me, but he can't change for anyone. He has very tight schedule of daily routine, and never wants to change it for me. He fits me in 4-5 hours a week which he has freed "especially for me" and sometimes he is genuinely confused why I am not "in the mood". I can't be in the mood every week in the same few hours, I am not a machine. I am sure he loves me and he is genuinely confused and worried why I am so unhappy, he is such man he does not understand it. He is intelligent and witty, but his emotional intelligence is (I think) very low. I am now deeply depressed, not exactly thinking of suicide, but more to leave somewhere far far away forever, just to leave everything! I am miserable as person who is worth nothing to anybody can be. I invested 10 years of my life, all my love, friendship and all my secrets and my trust in that relationship, and now... what? It's not enough? Am I a biggest failure? And it's not just him. Everyone, every friend I had, even my own sister treated me same way. They all "love me deeply", but they also always ditch me for "better people" and when they have to see me, either they are terribly late and annoyed or they are trying to fit me somewhere in their busy busy schedule like I am dentist appointment they really don't want.
I am thinking of leaving forever, just not to think about death. Maybe some tropical island, small cabin, at the sea. I can't leave my parents now, as I am helping them every week, but I need that dream.